I have been sitting in front of my computer for the past 20 minutes thinking of how I want to word this. I have only been away from home for 2 months but I have changed so much in that 2 months that if you knew me at home and you met me now you would only recognize me by my outward appearance, which by the way has changed too. I am a completely different person today than I was 2 months ago, and I am finally starting to be happy with who I am and where I stand with God.
In high school I struggled to find myself. I didn't know who I wanted to be, up until the day of graduation, I still had no idea the kind of person that I wanted to be. I was that mean girl who never backed down from an argument, I said what was on my mind no matter what it was and I had the mouth of a sailor. Don't get me wrong, I knew the church was true but it is hard to live the way you know you should when everyone around you lives opposite of that. I never knew why I always felt so far away from the spirit. I knew that I had things I needed to work on but I just thought that everyone was exactly like me. I said a lot of things to a lot of people. Things that I regret saying. I wish that I could go back and tell myself that I should be nicer and that I will regret these things not even a year down the road, but I can't and its just something that I have to live with.
My life experiences are so much different than those of the people that I have met here. I don't want to call them sheltered, but I would go with spoiled. Most of them are from here. They have no idea what it is like in the real, non-mormon world. I am grateful for my trials growing up. For the things that I thought were awful at the time (mostly because they were). Seeing people physically fight, knowing people who were killed, knowing people who killed people, knowing people who steal, lie, and cheat, knowing people who deal drugs and people who do drugs, knowing people who couldn't keep the law of chastity if their life depended on it. All of these things made me a stronger person, a person that is more able to withstand temptation. Life is not all peaches and cream and a lot of people don't know that.
I dont know where I went with that but yeah, anyhow, where I wanted to go is that I am now the person that I have always wanted to be. Yes, I am still the blunt, outgoing, funny person that you all love, but I am different. I have grown so much in my relationship with God and I know that he loves me and loves everyone else in the world as well. Being blunt doesn't mean you have to be rude. Being outgoing doesn't mean you have to do stupid things, and being funny doesn't have to be at other peoples expense. My grandpa told me a quote once, it says "It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice." and I, like most teenagers just kind of blew it off. I felt like if people didn't accept me then my life would be over. I desperately needed to fit in with someone. Now I realize exactly how right he was. I don't care if people don't like me. If you are going to judge me because I am nice to everyone, even the wired people then go ahead.
Like I said I have grown a ton in these past 2 months. It is so nice to be surrounded by people who make me want to be a better person. I have never had that before. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends, but I have never been friends with so many people who help me be a better me.
Recently I found out about some things that are going on at home and I was/am having a really hard time with it. I screamed for a while and then I cried for about 3 days straight. During this time I have never felt so close to my Heavenly Father. At first he felt super far away but I know he is right here next to me. My testimony of the power of prayer has grown more than I can even say in this past week. I talked about what is going on with one of my friends and he just told me that God doesn't give us trials for no reason and that they are all to make us better. I don't know what the reason is for this but I know one thing for sure, I have learned to rely more on the Lord these past couple of days. He is always there and he will never leave you alone.
So I guess the reason that I am writing this and what I am getting at is that a couple of days ago I talked to one of my friends from back home and they pointed out that I have changed, and they said it in a way that made it seem like it was a bad thing. I'll have you all know that I have changed and I am happier with the person than I am now than I have ever been in my entire 19 years of life. I know who I want to be and I know what I need to do to get there. If you don't like it then I am sorry but its not really your decision.
Have a wonderful day,
Love Brooke :)
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